Flip

I had a rather interesting day yesterday, good and bad.It started at about midnight, when I say day, I do mean the whole of it.
I had decided to drink what I wanted, staying with the parameters of beer only, but to keep the evidence for me to see the next day. By midnight, I had quite a collection in the kitchen! I don't know if you have ever followed the programme Lost, but we have since the beginning. I admit to losing interest about 2 seasons ago, but I did want to know what it was all about. Midway through this final season, it occurred to me that I didn't actually like this programme and didn't really care to watch the remainder. I was happy to rely on V for the basic gist of the plot line. V had other ideas about this and really to watch the final ever episode together. So I did.
Now, I have had panic attacks since I was a child, ranging from minor uneasy to all out hysteria. Most of these have been centred around death and destruction - it's not a topic I cope with very well at all. So anything that messes with versions of reality, especially when the final discovery is that they are all dead in the end, even more so at midnight after several pints, does not sit well at all. The result? An hour and a half of hysterically crying female!
'They were all dead! I didn't like it! Why did you make me watch it?!' Poor old V, you would think he should have known better really, but bless, he did his best to calm me down, whilst stopping me somehow from drinking myself into oblivion.
On the slightly more positive side, (I think), even though a skinful had been consumed, it was not the all out fest I normally have and so can remember most of what occurred. Why is this good? Well, for one thing it meant that lessons could be learnt - don't watch things like that ever again! More importantly, it meant that I could discuss it at my counselling session that morning.

I started counselling just before Christmas to try and help deal with the crippling panic attacks I was getting (now I know they were a forerunner of this Depression lark). So far, I have found it mildly helpful. As things are getting more complicated for me, I am sure this mildly will become something of a lifeline.
Having had,what can only be described as an eventful week, we had a lot to discuss. Counsellors are generally clever people, and I don't think it came as any real surprise to him when I unloaded the past weeks happenings. Being the first time I had spoken openly about it with someone other than V also made it seem more real, I really really could not deny what was happening. (I'm sure I will keep trying to though!) Discussing the previous nights hysterics also came with an obvious conclusion - would I have been so upset had I not had alcohol? No. Probably not. In fact, I probably would have gone to be long before the ending, when I first realised I was not enjoying the programme at all, instead of staying up to finish the beers off.

They say we learn something every day. I'm not entirely sure what I learnt from yesterday, but I can remember yesterday in its entirety, certainly enough to write it here for future scrutiny, and that is a step forward.

Darling I have something to tell you ...

Still reeling from the proverbial kick in the teeth news I had just received, I decided I should tell my better-half. Since I had yet to be able to form the words 'alcohol-dependant' I simply called him and said yes, they agreed with the Psych and they want me to join a pre-detox group.
Now my hubby is a long suffering one. We have been together 17 years and love each other very much. But as you may imagine, my life has not been plain sailing and poor old V has had to put up with a lot from me. I felt awful adding this news to everything he has had to cope with due to me but on form as ever, he merely replied ' right. ' and started to formulate a plan in his head.
Later that day he came and showed me a table he had been working on. Since he is a heavy drinker - not with the same issues as me, but heavy enough, he decided it would be too hard to drink in front of me if I am meant to be giving up. So he drew up a table, to keep an eye on his own drinking and to ensure maximum support for me. What I have done to deserve him, I shall never know, but am eternally thankful.
So that is the backstory up until last Friday, not much to tell but I did say I am at the beginning of this journey. I do not know quite where it will lead, but will try as much as possible to keep blogging it all here.

I have a had a weekend of drinking, enjoying it as much as possible knowing it will soon stop, but also being acutely aware of how I am feeling the following day. never before have I noticed how much I shake, or how rubbish I feel quite as much as now. I still have not heard from the Centre, and strangely enough I am wishing it would hurry up. Impatient as always.

Clearly stated

There is something rather odd about going to an Alcohol Unit with a hangover, kind of like saying, do you really need to come here to find this out?? The unit itself is tucked away behind an industrial estate, not obvious, no one will see you walking in. I stood and looked and went to open the door when I discovered that it was a buzz entry only - great, they lock us in here as well. A boxy unit with several small corridors, not the most of welcoming of places, but I suppose they're not meant to be. The man I had an appointment with never told me his name, or introduced himself, he lead me to a room where we sat and began the interview.

It was a standard form for alcohol and drug alike, so not all of the questions were relevant, but he needed to ask them anyway. I sat there trying very hard to concentrate and remember what had just been asked, but nerves again got the better of me and the experience is hazy to say the least. There were definite questions about lifestyle, when, where, how much do I drink? How often? What effect does it have if I do not drink, how long can I go without? Then there were the questions to which I could see no real point, these I have appropriately forgotten. I had expected to have more of a 'chat' than a formal interview and was surprised when he said 'that's all the questions'. Followed promptly by ' right, so you are alcohol dependant. I would like you to come to our pre-detox group.'
Bugger.
So that was it, clearly stated, there can now be no more hiding from this fact. It will be written in my medical notes, sent to my doctor as I need some vitamin which alcohol dependant people are regularly lacking, and sent away waiting for a letter regarding the group. Clinical, precise and to the point.
Bugger.
Not that I was given the green light to go ahead and drink, but I was clearly told, do not stop. Apparently it can be dangerous and rather unpleasant to simply stop, hence the group. Do not touch wine or spirits, as they are very bad, stick to beer, lower alcohol ones if possible, we will be in touch.
Bugger.
This can't be right, surely not. I just don't understand it - I can drink a grown man under the table yes, but dependant? It just sounds so ... tacky. Pathetic. Not nice. And once you have been told that, drinking changes forever. No longer the fun party time stuff of mad nights and adventures, now all I can see is me sitting on a bench with a bottle of cheap cider covered in a Tesco carrier bag! OK, so I may be exaggerating, but the effect is the same, now it is something I need to have rather than am choosing to have. And that's just not as enjoyable.

So it begins ...

I will spare you at this point my life history, these things are best ventured after an intial period of aquantaince!
Let me start with my trip to the Psychiatrist. My best friend being away, I took with me my oldest friend, who knows me inside and out and although it may have made for an uncomfortable encounter, in hindsite she probably was the best person to take along. Dr A was very nice, gentle and human - something which you cannot always ensure amongst the Mental Health profession. He declined to ask a full history due to the enormous pack of 3 notes sitting beside him. I am sure he had already made his mind up just by the size of these folders. He did ask about my recent moods and general Psychiatric history. I honestly cannot remeber much of this meeting due to extreme nervousness and a certain amount of hangover. Which brings me to a comment made, but not thanked for! I had mentioned to my own Dr about how much I was drinking - she in turn mentioned I had spoken about it to her before. I did? That should have been a big enough clue I suppose.
'And she's been drinking a lot. I would say she has a problem with it, but she probably won't agree'. Thanks mate.
A short discussion surrounding drinking habits, shakes, urges and lifestyle lead Dr A to state, 'Yes. You do have a drinking problem.'
Shit.
So away I went, slightly unconcerned for the diagnosis of Depressive Disorder, blood test in hand, pescription waiting to be filled, sitting in my head surrounded by those words - you have a drinking problem. Something I have laughed about since a teenager, now clearly stated by a medical professional and placed on my records forever.
I cannot even begin to explain how much self will it took not to walk out of there straight into the local pub!
I was sent in the direction of the local Alcohol and drug team and told, 'noone can make you go, but I would seriously urge it.'

So that is what I have done. Without telling anyone - seriously not ready for that yet - I made a phone call and had an appointment the next day.

From the beginning

I have just been told I am an alcoholic with a depressive disorder.
This came as a bit of a shock, though you would have thought not.
I have decided to document my journey from here to who knows where, hopefully into full recovery from these issues plus my CFS which has been with me for 2 years now.
Over time I will introduce to you my family, involving autism, feuds, friendships, other addictions and strange relationships. Truely complicated stuff, but i would hope maybe interesting to view as well.

I shall start by explaining how I got to be here, though I hope you will excuse my paraphrasing as I will no doubt elaborate later. I am tempted to spiral off into ramblings but will try to stick to the briefest of explaination at this stage.