Flip

I had a rather interesting day yesterday, good and bad.It started at about midnight, when I say day, I do mean the whole of it.
I had decided to drink what I wanted, staying with the parameters of beer only, but to keep the evidence for me to see the next day. By midnight, I had quite a collection in the kitchen! I don't know if you have ever followed the programme Lost, but we have since the beginning. I admit to losing interest about 2 seasons ago, but I did want to know what it was all about. Midway through this final season, it occurred to me that I didn't actually like this programme and didn't really care to watch the remainder. I was happy to rely on V for the basic gist of the plot line. V had other ideas about this and really to watch the final ever episode together. So I did.
Now, I have had panic attacks since I was a child, ranging from minor uneasy to all out hysteria. Most of these have been centred around death and destruction - it's not a topic I cope with very well at all. So anything that messes with versions of reality, especially when the final discovery is that they are all dead in the end, even more so at midnight after several pints, does not sit well at all. The result? An hour and a half of hysterically crying female!
'They were all dead! I didn't like it! Why did you make me watch it?!' Poor old V, you would think he should have known better really, but bless, he did his best to calm me down, whilst stopping me somehow from drinking myself into oblivion.
On the slightly more positive side, (I think), even though a skinful had been consumed, it was not the all out fest I normally have and so can remember most of what occurred. Why is this good? Well, for one thing it meant that lessons could be learnt - don't watch things like that ever again! More importantly, it meant that I could discuss it at my counselling session that morning.

I started counselling just before Christmas to try and help deal with the crippling panic attacks I was getting (now I know they were a forerunner of this Depression lark). So far, I have found it mildly helpful. As things are getting more complicated for me, I am sure this mildly will become something of a lifeline.
Having had,what can only be described as an eventful week, we had a lot to discuss. Counsellors are generally clever people, and I don't think it came as any real surprise to him when I unloaded the past weeks happenings. Being the first time I had spoken openly about it with someone other than V also made it seem more real, I really really could not deny what was happening. (I'm sure I will keep trying to though!) Discussing the previous nights hysterics also came with an obvious conclusion - would I have been so upset had I not had alcohol? No. Probably not. In fact, I probably would have gone to be long before the ending, when I first realised I was not enjoying the programme at all, instead of staying up to finish the beers off.

They say we learn something every day. I'm not entirely sure what I learnt from yesterday, but I can remember yesterday in its entirety, certainly enough to write it here for future scrutiny, and that is a step forward.